I am pregnant with my second baby and I am already having thoughts about missing my first child. Currently, I am 34 weeks pregnant with our second child… Home stretch. My husband and I have a 3.5-year-old son who has special needs. We have gone through the ring of fire to find the best support and care for his needs.
In addition, we have experienced so many emotions including complaints about him feeling like two toddlers because of his energy. And yet, we are forever grateful for our experiences and truly think our baby is special and super loving. I know everyone says this about their child, but we think our first baby is AMAZING!
The complex feeling of being pregnant and already missing my first child
- “Do you miss having one child?”
- “How did you all do it? Divide your attention between the two kids?”
- “How have you created quality time with your kids? And partners?”
- “Do you love one child more than the other? Do you think you have conscious or subconscious favoritism?”
They normalized my concerns and said they shared the same ones. They answered my questions with warmth and compassion. It was nice to receive their validation during this one to two baby transition.
Of course, I thought to myself, if all my concerns seem so normal, how come no one talks about this “emotional dilemma”. Or maybe they do and since I have not personally experienced it, I am unaware. I am used to hearing most parents say, going from one to two children is extremely difficult because we have to split our attention and child care is more challenging. On the other hand, fortunately, most parents agree that caring for baby number two is easier because you have done it before.
How can families anticipate and respond to this upcoming transition including the “emotional dilemma”?
Prepare toddlers for the arrival of a younger sibling:
- Read books that discuss the transition like The New Baby, Big Brother Daniel, André the Best Big Brother, I am a Big Brother.
- Participate in pretend play with bottles and stuffed animals/doll baby
- Encouraging children to touch your belly when the baby moves
- Allowing your child to move items for the nursery
- Validate all feelings (positive and negative) that your child expresses and show compassion and empathy
- Anticipate regression
For mamas to prepare for this big transition (including myself):
- Practice self-compassion (Practice mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity)
- This looks like honoring your feelings. Try not to push them away including the negative ones. These feelings are completely normal.
- Write a letter to your child and baby expressing your feelings including fears and hopes.
- Express your feelings with a trusted loved one including a therapist or life coach.
- After the arrival of baby try to create solo time with everyone and with yourself
- Anticipate regression, set-backs, and have a flexible mind
