Here is our insider look into a blooming mother/daughter relationship. As you can imagine, it takes time to build an open an honest relationship with tweens. Remember what it was like to be a tween?
I feel like it was just yesterday that I gave birth to my first daughter. Then it hits me that it was almost 13 years ago. She will be 13 this year, and my heart is racing at what is in store for us.
Our mother/daughter relationship has already started to shift and morph. Sometimes I look at her in amazement, and other times I want to pull my hair out at the things that come out of her mouth.
We’ve had our share of:
- arguments
- laughs
- hugs
- special excursions together
- heart-to-heart conversations
I hope and pray that more of the above is yet to come and that she continues talking to me.
It may be wishful thinking; I’m ok with that. However, I’ll continue to make that daily wish because I heard once that the key to parenting is to keep our kids talking to us. When they stop talking to us, we’re in trouble. I’ve tried my best to keep the lines of communication open and to build trust between us continuously.
Below are some tips on things that have worked so far. Ask me in a year; I’m sure it will all change again.
6 Tips to Nurture an Open and Honest Relationship with Tweens
- Have lots of dance parties together. Put on your favorite music and dance it out. Ask your tween what’s on their ‘favorites’ music playlist and ask them to share it with you.
- Write letters back and forth to each other. My mother used to do this with me growing up. I bought a journal and asked her at a young age if she’d like to write to each other. She would use the journal to practice her reading and writing, and now we use it as our special way to communicate with each other.
- Make agreements instead of setting expectations because no one likes to be told what to do, especially our kids. For example, we struggled with setting rules, and she struggled with following them. She questioned everything. In one way, that’s a great thing because she is using her voice and telling us what she thinks. In another way, as a parent, it can be a headache to explain yourself constantly. We found a happy medium. We sit down to talk through what we both want and what we both can agree to. Sometimes, we’ve even written it out and signed the piece of paper like a true agreement.
- Get curious and ask them what they need. This worked when she was little and surprisingly still works now. When she’s frustrated, angry, sad, or disappointed, I often want to sweep in and make those uncomfortable feelings disappear. I’ve learned to acknowledge what I’m seeing or observing. For example, “I see that you’re frustrated.” Then, ask “Would you like a hug?” or “What do you need from me?” or “What would support you right now?”
- Remind them that you are always on their side, even if sometimes it feels like you’re not on the same team. Simply saying, “I’m on your side!” may do wonders to remind them that you support them.
- Remind them that your role is to keep them “safe, clean, and healthy.” You are their parent and not their friend. I heard this the other day; it stuck with me. I’ve said it to my daughter a couple of times so far, and I see that it has also struck a chord with her.
You’re doing great, mama!
We are all learning! Remember, no one has this parenting gig all figured out. Our relationships with our kids go through phases, and so do our kids. It’s important to remember that our kids evolve and change and we need to find ways to evolve and shift our parenting with them. For example, what worked when they were five may not work when they are 13; and that’s ok. We are all learning! Keeping the lines of communication going to build an open and honest relationship with tweens. Building trust between you and your tween is an intentional practice.
