Let’s Talk About Sex (after) Baby

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Love is in the air. Valentine’s day is just around the corner, you’ve just had your postpartum checkup and your doctor or midwife has given you the all clear to resume sexual activity.

Now what? Most likely, you received little to no information about having sex after having a baby. It’s no wonder so many of the moms I work with in my private practice are more anxious and apprehensive than excited about being cleared for sex.

So, what should you expect when having sex after having a baby?

Here are 6 things to remember 

1. Just because you are “cleared” doesn’t mean you are ready

At your postpartum checkup, your doctor or midwife is simply checking to make sure you are medically cleared to have penetrative sex safely. This means making sure any stitches are healed, that there is no tearing or bleeding, and that your cervix is closed. This does not mean that you are emotionally ready to have sex.

2. You may feel some discomfort but do not accept pain

Due to dropping estrogen levels postpartum, many women report some degree of dryness and discomfort with sex postpartum. However, pain is not something to accept as just part of sex after having a baby. If you experience pain or discomfort, I highly recommend getting evaluated by a pelvic floor physical therapist who can assess and treat your pain. Here in DC we have lots of wonderful pelvic floor PT’s. Some favorite’s are Body Connect and Body Wellness DC

3. You may experience a lower sex drive

There are many reasons you may be less interested in having sex with your partner. Hormonal shifts, lack of sleep, anxiety, and emotional fatigue are all common reasons why you may experience a lower sex drive.

4. Relationship troubles may get in the way of connection

As I’ve written about previously, marital satisfaction often takes a nosedive after having a baby with some studies suggesting that as many as 67% of couples report a sharp decline in relationship satisfaction. Many of the moms I work with describe relationships that have become transactional and describe resentment towards their partners. Maintaining a loving connection with your partner is an active practice that may require more work after having a baby.

5. It may take some time to feel at home in your body

For many women, it takes time to adjust to the physical changes that occur postpartum which can lead to anxiety or discomfort about sex. This is normal and expected. Give yourself the space you need to get to know your body with an eye towards self-compassion and acceptance.

6. You may not see yourself as sexual

For some women, embracing a new identity as a mother feels incompatible with a previous identity as sexual or as someone’s partner. For some, this is due to internalized beliefs or messages about how mothers should be. For others, it is simply hard to transition from one identity or role to another making the idea of sex really off-putting. It may take more work and more transition time to set the mood for a positive sexual experience.

Bottom line, finding your way back to having a healthy and fulfilling sex life is not as simple as being medically cleared and shouldn’t be treated that way. So, take your time mama, find your groove, and take care of yourself.