“Grief is love with nowhere to go.” I didn’t believe or understand this phrase when I first heard it soon after my mom died. I saw grief and love as opposites, as if they were vastly separate. Now, I see that grief and love are two sides of the same coin. We grieve because we love so deeply.
The Grief Journey
Ever have that deep longing to talk to someone who’s no longer on this physical earth?
A longing so deep it aches! I felt that this morning.
I noticed it and reminded myself that I couldn’t pick up the phone to call them. I find it peculiar how sometimes we forget that the person we miss so much is no longer physically here. We can’t pick up the phone to talk to them or pass by their house and fall into their arms for a big hug. We can’t enjoy a coffee or a meal with them. I immediately thought of all the things I couldn’t do. Our brains are so interesting. Then, I told myself to talk to the person as if they were right here.
It felt odd at first. I thought, I must be a crazy person talking to people who have died! And you know, it felt crazy to start. Then, I let go of the judgment and kept talking. I swear I heard their voice talking back to me. I still felt a sense of longing AND I felt a sense of peace as well. This world/universe we live in is such a mystery.
I’ve learned that grief ebbs and flows. Like so many things in this life, it is not linear. Grief comes and goes. Sometimes it comes crashing in like a harsh storm, and other times it comes in like a gentle breeze reminding us of the love we once shared with the loved one who died.
Motherly Love
I’ve had the opportunity to experience motherly love from my mother, grandmother, and so many other motherly figures (friends, cousins, aunts).
When my mother died, I had my beautiful grandmother (her mother) to hold us up and support us through the loss. What I didn’t realize at the time was the grief that she may also be experiencing and processing. I saw her as a strong and steady mother figure. Someone that I could always count on, someone that reminded me of the love that we all shared. I wonder what she was fully thinking and feeling.
Grief can remind us how we want to live our lives! It is often that wake-up call or that lesson we need in order to remember what life is truly about. It may be the reminder to always say “I love you” We and our loved ones only live once and none of us are promised tomorrow.
What does grief remind you about life? Maybe it’s about meaningful conversations, warm hugs, lovely meals around a family table, quality time in nature, retelling of family stories, playing board games, or vacations at the beach. I’m sure we each have our lists of memories that bring joy to our lives and smiles to our faces when we think about experiencing them.
Lessons through Grief
When the two dearest people in my life died, my sweet mother and then my grandmother, I felt a bit lost. My mother first at the tender age of 50 and then my grandmother in the same week 13 years later. Again life is wild, our family joked that the two of them were up to something, the timing was too suspicious. As I’ve experienced my grief and allowed myself to truly feel it, I’ve learned that:
- Grief and love are two sides of the same coin. If we stay away from grief we stay away from love. There are all sorts of resources to support us in dealing with grief, from books to articles to podcasts. There is a helpful list of resources on our site compiled by one of our contributors that helps you and your little ones cope with death.
- Feeling our grief is necessary. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and yes it’s sad, and yet it is important for us to feel it. We get to choose when and how. When we don’t, it festers and could even harden our hearts. There is no right or wrong way, there is simply the way that helps you move through it and helps you keep your heart soft.
- We can lean into a community and ask for help. We don’t have to experience our grief alone. Instead, we can find safe spaces to fully express and process our grief. This can look like grief counseling, therapy, coaching or openly talking and sharing stories about our loved one with family and friends. We have a list of resources for those that have had a pregnancy or infant loss. Connecting with others reminds us that we aren’t alone and that can be so comforting.
Loving Deeply
Grief is a part of life and it is heartbreaking. Our grief is our own, no one can tell us how to experience or process it. If you or someone you love is experiencing grief, I invite you to navigate it with a soft heart and some support. Remember you are experiencing grief because you loved so deeply.
