Dear whoever invented Elf on the Shelf – can we talk?
Let me start by acknowledging, yes, lot of kids love this Christmas tradition. For those of you not in the know – the Elf on the Shelf moves around your home at night as it travels back and forth to the North Pole. Kids wake up each morning, wild with anticipation to find their elf and discover what they’ve been up to overnight. I mean, who wouldn’t love a zany elf whose nightly antics are endlessly entertaining? Snowball fights with mini marshmallows, aerial acrobatics from light fixtures, pool parties in the kitchen sink – this is the stuff kids’ dreams are made of.
And I get that you tried to help us parents. The elf, after all, is watching what’s happening at home and reporting back to Santa, thus encouraging kids to be on the “nice” list. (Aside: let’s be honest. This works for about one day. And we’ll also save the police state implications for another article).
But seriously, this ELF STUFF IS ACTUALLY A MEANS OF PARENTAL TORTURE.
Elf on the Shelf Gives us New Evening Tasks During the Holidays
You really thought that giving parents – namely moms, because let’s be real about who’s doing this – one more thing to do during the holiday season was an awesome idea? We’re losing our minds on an average day in February. Never mind December when the stakes are even higher with gifts to purchase and wrap, school parties and holiday shows to attend, trees to decorate, the list goes on. You honestly believed we needed this extra nightly task? That we had an endless font of creativity and time to plan and execute elf escapades?
Not to mention the sheer duration of this. According to The Elf on the Shelf book and other sources (i.e., my mom friends), the elf is supposed to arrive either the day after Thanksgiving or December first. That is 23 to 30 nights of elf activities (the elf returns to the North Pole with Santa on Christmas Eve). How is that possible for an average human to remember and undertake, nevertheless the chronically exhausted parents of preschool- and elementary-aged kids? I know my husband and I are not the only ones that wake up at 6:30 am in sheer panic, whisper screaming “oh crap did you move the elf?!?!”
Yes, maker of Elf on the Shelf, I know there’s a website where you can look up activity ideas for your elf (you’re so helpful). An enterprising cottage industry has also sprung up: elf on the shelf activity kits. Look it up on Etsy. You won’t be disappointed. Or maybe you’ll sue them for copyright infringement. Who knows. Yes, I purchased one of these, and yes, it helped. But I’m still a bit disturbed that this is actually a thing.
Wait, There’s More?!
Oh, but there’s more! Some kid told my kid that if you write your elf notes, they’ll write back! Isn’t that amazing!?! My daughter loves writing these notes, but knows what mommy’s “normal” handwriting looks like. So now my left hand perpetually hurts from writing her back. What child would spread this wild rumor?!
Did I mention that our next-door neighbor just had a baby? In light of this, my kids have decided that our elf is pregnant. This is going to be an awesome one to navigate. Do I have to somehow figure out how to give our elf a baby bump? In your spirit of helpfulness, I know that you, the makers of Elf on the Shelf, have also created a line of elf clothes that are available for purchase. So maybe I can stuff a cotton ball up some elf outfits? Are there baby elves on the shelves I can buy? The answer to this is undoubtedly yes. Or I just gave you another million-dollar marketing idea.
I recently texted my neighbor that we should plan an elf crossover event. Just in case you didn’t believe how out of hand this situation has gotten.
In sum, whoever spoke this lovely Elf on the Shelf dream into existence, PLEASE TAKE IT BACK. Take it all back. We’re too tired!
Sincerely,
All parents of kids with Elves on the Shelves everywhere.
P.S. if you’re a parent with an infant or toddler reading this letter and contemplating starting the Elf on the Shelf tradition, be warned. Moreover, if someone gives you an Elf on the Shelf as a gift 1) give it away as quickly as possible and 2) never speak of it again!
The reason for the season is not Elf on the Shelf. So if you do not want you or your children to focus on an Elf, then this may be a hard pass for you like it is for lots of families.
